BURBANK — Disney executives revealed today that the giant symbolic clock that tracks how close we are to production of a Jar Jar Binks series has never been closer to midnight.
“Frankly, we’re running out of stuff to hyper focus on,” said Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy earlier today. “Following Solo, Obi-Wan, Boba Fett, the prequel trilogy, the sequel trilogy, and the upcoming sequel to the sequel trilogy, there’s really not too many more ways to go with this shit. It’s not a matter of if there’s going to be some intolerable resurgence in Jar Jar Binks, it’s a matter of when. Frankly, weesa very worried it’ll be sooner than we’re ready for.”
“Oh, god damn it,” she added.
The news of the clock reaching just 30 seconds from midnight, the closest it’s ever been, shook many fans to their core.
“That’s the scariest shit I’ve heard in a while,” said Mike Dorman, a local Star Wars fan. “We all knew it was a possibility, hell maybe even inevitable, but you hope it happens after you and your children are gone. By the way, I don’t know why they built a separate Jar Jar Binks TV Show Doomsday Clock next to the original Doomsday Clock, since we’re talking about it. If you ask me, they both seem a little grim.”
Other fans, however, rejoiced at the news that others had found so upsetting.
“I don’t know why so many people are freaking out,” said Jamie Clausen, another fan. “I grew up on the prequels and personally love them. They have more charm in a single scene than any Star Wars films since, frankly. Also, is a Jar Jar show going to be much worse than the Boba Fett series that was barely about Boba Fett? We at least should give it a shot. Otherwise they’re just gonna keep finding reasons to bring the Emperor back. Is that what you want?”
As of press time, George Lucas had threatened to come down to Disney and discuss ideas for the untitled Jar Jar Binks project, causing the clock to inch several seconds further to doomsday.