CALLING ALL GAMERS! A huge, once-in-a-lifetime deal has just come across our desk. That’s right, gamers, everyone loves the iconic mob drama series The Sopranos, and everyone obviously loves a retro game of classic pinball, so why not spring for a mint-condition Sopranos pinball machine? Too expensive? Worry not! Your mom’s wealthy single brother, Uncle Brian, has just been rushed to the hospital, and nobody will be fighting over his pinball machine in the will if he croaks!
Act fast, gamers. Uncle Brian apparently collapsed on his heated kitchen floor this morning when a sudden cardiac arrest stopped his heart for over two full minutes! If you can drop everything and run to the hospital in his time of need, you can likely drop hints that you’re a giant Sopranos fan before the plaque polluting his heart permanently stops blood flow throughout his body forever.
Go to Uncle Brian, hold his hand, and casually mention how much you love the throwback vibe of arcade cabinets and pinball machines, because the doctor has informed your family that he has anywhere between minutes and days left before shuffling off this mortal coil never to score a special Edie Falco multiball again.
This deal won’t last forever, gamers. Everyone in the family knows that your cousin Matthew spent a lot of time with Brian after his first heart attack, and that craven bitch was clearly just cooking and cleaning for him to get his greasy, grubby mitts all over your, sorry, Uncle Brian’s fully-restored 2005 pinball machine with original bumpers and flippers.
He probably wants you to have it. I mean, he didn’t say those exact words, but come on, who else deserves it more than you? In fact, he probably wants you to have it right now. Sooner rather than later. What’s the point of inheriting a pinball machine if you’re too old to enjoy it? Also, he’s probably suffering. The nurse said he’s on the mend, able to go home tomorrow, but what does she know? Do the merciful thing, gamers. Take his pillow and put him out of his misery. Do it. Do it! Before you doubt yourself! Before the pinball machine slips through your fingers!
