After four disastrous interviews, I was ready to try something more conventional. I was ready to interview someone from pop culture that wasn’t from video games. I thought filmmaker Christopher Nolan would be a great subject, and I caught wind of him going on a press tour to promote his new film Oppenheimer. Having been routinely denied conventional press passes during our six years as a website, I just bought a tip off the dark web and crashed a press junket. That was so much easier! I probably shouldn’t say a whole lot more, but rest assured I got my interview with Christopher Nolan, who’s latest film Oppenheimer is in theaters everywhere now.
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Hard Drive: Hi, Mr. Nolan, thank you so much for giving us a few minutes of your time.
Christopher Nolan: Absolutely, my pleasure. People, right?
Hard Drive: Yeah, there are a lot of people out there. That’s for sure. Did you see the parking lot?
Christopher Nolan: No, I mean you’re People magazine, right?
Hard Drive: Um, sort of? Yeah.
Christopher Nolan: Sort of?
Hard Drive: No yeah, People. I am People magazine, that’s who I am.
Christopher Nolan: You’re being suspicious.
Hard Drive: I’m sorry. Look, here’s the deal. Here’s my whole deal. I write for People magazine, honestly, but then I also write for this thing called Hard Drive sometimes. I got a little mixed up is all, I’m sorry about that.
Christopher Nolan: What’s Hard Drive?
Hard Drive: I’m glad you asked, Christopher Nolan! It’s a video game site. We did satire forever, and we still do, but we do other stuff now, too. Feature articles and lists and game guides. Most of it’s pretty funny!
Christopher Nolan: That’s great. Video games aren’t really my thing, but good for you lads. Now, should we start the interview? My time is spread pretty thin today.
Hard Drive: Oh, yeah, for sure. Let’s start the People interview. Let me just check my notes here.
Christopher Nolan: Is that an old Nintendo Power magazine you’re looking at?
Hard Drive: I thought you didn’t know video games, Christopher Nolan?
Christopher Nolan: I can read the name of the magazine you’re holding.
Hard Drive: Touché. I’ll put it away. Now, let’s start the interview.
Christopher Nolan, thank you for speaking to uh, People magazine today. It really means a lot.
Christopher Nolan: Certainly, always a treat.
Hard Drive: Do you think Wario’s farts smell really bad? Or are they empty farts that don’t stink at all, on account of how he can summon them at will?
Christopher Nolan: I’m sorry, what?
Hard Drive: Wario. From the Mario Brothers games. I’m asking you about his farts.
Christopher Nolan: Are you pulling my leg? What’s going on here? I’m this close to walking out of here!
Hard Drive: Oh my god, I’m sorry. You’re right, what an entirely inappropriate question, for several reasons. Okay look, my inexperience is showing here, and I apologize for that. I was reading the wrong notes, and that was a question for a piece I’m working on about the digital release of The Super Mario Bros Movie. Did you see that?
Christopher Nolan: No, no I haven’t seen the Mario movie.
Hard Drive: Since we’re talking about it, do you mind if I get your thoughts on something? I think it would be cool if they put that guy Wario in the sequel, but also, I don’t know if they’d be able to keep him farting as much as he does in some of the games, you know?
Christopher Nolan: Oh come on, are these all going to be questions about Wario? I’m out of here.
Hard Drive: No, Chris, wait! I’m really sorry. I’m just trying to get comfortable. Can we chat about movies for a few minutes and then I’ll let you go? I know you’ve got a lot going on. I’ll straighten out, I promise.
Christopher Nolan: Fine. You’ve got two minutes.
Hard Drive: Thank you. Did you know they made a Barbie movie? It doesn’t seem very much like your movies at all. It just came out, too.
Christopher Nolan: Yes, I know about Barbie, and yes, I would agree with that statement. What’s your point, exactly?
Hard Drive: I think I’ll skip Barbie. I didn’t like those G.I. Joe movies at all.
Christopher Nolan: I don’t know what you want me to say.
Hard Drive: Did you like those G.I. Joe movies?
Christopher Nolan: I think this interview is over.
Hard Drive: No wait, let’s talk about Oppenheimer! Can I ask you about Oppenheimer?
Christopher Nolan: Fine. One question.
Hard Drive: The footage I saw in the trailer looks gorgeous. You probably want me to turn my phone sideways when I watch it, huh?
Christopher Nolan: I retire. That’s it. No more of this.
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Wow! My first real scoop from one of these. So there you have it. Christopher Nolan is retiring! I’m not sure why he chose to announce it so abruptly, but the way everyone around him was freaking out and the way he kept yelling “I can’t do this shit anymore,” tells me he was serious. I can’t believe he told me of all the people he could’ve told. Oh, it’s probably because he thought I was writing for People magazine. Oopsie! Thanks for the interview, Chris. And thanks for all of the movies over the years!
