PITTSBURGH — End of year assessments at local engineering firm Riverhead Technologies have spilled into the new year, with ample ammo and health power-ups still available in the small antechamber outside of the big boss’s office, sources confirm.
“It’s not a boss fight, it’s a boss discussion,” said Alexis Hamilton, head of the company’s human resources department. “The big boss is expected to meet with every employee individually to assess their strengths and contributions to the company. Hoping to foster a fair and balanced environment, he has stocked his waiting room with different ammo types, as well as health and mana potions.”
Riverhead’s personnel have prepared for this encounter by running through rounds of pseudo-meetings against phantom versions of the big boss.
“I’ve been grinding experience for the past two months,” said Colin Herby from accounting. “I’ve seen good friends and colleagues lose this final boss fight, getting laid off as a result, so I’m bringing my A-game and packing my inventory full of regeneration potions and attack modifiers. I can kind of hear the battle theme from my desk, and it’s got me pumped.”
Longer-tenured employees revealed that the assessment consisted of multiple rounds, each of which has a faster, more intense musical score.
“I got to phase two last year but failed to predict the big boss’s new, advanced moveset,” said Kelly Montigue, a senior marketing manager. “Luckily I cashed in my corporate coins—which they gave us in lieu of a raise—on an extra life. By that point, I had memorized his attack pattern: compliment sandwich, invoice audits, then a ranged aerial attack. I finally cleared it and walked away with a gift basket full of pens, reusable water bottles, and a prestige token.”
At press time, the big boss’s assistant urges anyone waiting for their review to save their progress before entering the arena.
