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Disgraced ‘Smash Bros.’ Player Announces Hiatus, Plans to Main Self for a Little While

SEATTLE — Tyler Wendell, the latest pro Super Smash Bros. player accused of sexual misconduct, has announced that he will be taking some time off from the game, and plans on maining himself for a little while. 

“For too long, I have edge-guarded the weight of my own actions,” said Wendell, also known as Streyek4ce. “I have chained combos of irresponsibility, selfishness, and coercion, and I tragically did it all with items turned on — items such as drugs and alcohol. I will be taking some time off from Smash, and thus will be putting away Zero Suit Samus for a while, so that I may figure out how to best utilize my real life skillset.” 

Many have speculated that competitive Smash Bros. players have grown so focused on their preferred characters in the game that they often lose focus on the basic tenets of self control. 

“We’ve done extensive research on the connections between playing Super Smash Bros. competitively and being a total skeev,” said Dr. June Bryant, a Professor of Behavior Science at Northwest University. “Sadly, many of these players spend so much time mastering the controls of one or several characters that they are rendered incapable of performing basic maneuvers and techniques on their own, such as common decency and observing age of consent laws.”

“And let me be absolutely clear,” she added. “These are not advanced techs.”

At press time, Wendell took to Twitter to complain that his new main is “low tier fucking garbage” with negative match-ups against everyone.

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