Inhabiting the land now known as southern Iraq between the 5th and 1st millennium BCE, the ancient Sumerians were known for their unbelievable penchant for technological innovation. Not only did they excel at creation, they also demonstrated a unique talent for improving on existing technologies. Here are five truly mindblowing Sumerian contributions to humanity that, despite their awe-inspiring significance to modern life, honestly are still not as impressive as the N64 Rumble Pak.
- The Plow
This common farm tool used to loosen soil before sowing seeds is still used today, and nearly every food we eat is from land that has been cultivated by some form of it. However, did you know that IGN referred to the N64 Rumble Pak as the “biggest surprise” of the 1996 Shoshinkai show? It’s not easy to garner that type of recognition, so we’re going to have to hand this one to the Rumble Pak. Plus, it’s more fun to use. Have you ever tried farming? We haven’t, but we assume it’s super boring and difficult.
- Board Games
Oh, come on. You think this one’s even close? Cool, archaeologists discovered the Royal Game of Ur, which is believed to have been created about 4,000 years ago, but some stupid, old-as-fuck board game can’t possibly compare to the feeling of your controller vibrating as you bump your Banzai GTV into your competitors in the Hawaii level of “Cruis’n World”. We felt like we were actually driving in that underwater tunnel, and no Neolithic tabletop accessory is going to replicate that.
- The Sailboat
This had huge implications for both trade and war in ancient Sumer, and likely shaped the way we approach both aspects of our society today. However, the N64 Rumble Pak added a never-before-experienced level of interactivity to some of our favorite games for the system, and we just can’t ignore that. Seriously, when’s the last time you went sailing? We thought so. The Rumble Pak wins yet again.
- The Writing System
The Rumble Pak was first offered as a bundle with “Star Fox 64,” which is an all-time classic, rivaling the whole of ancient Sumerian culture in and of itself. Also, the Sumerians invented writing just as a means of keeping tabs on their commerce, and we hate capitalism, so this one’s going to go to the Rumble Pak. And yes, we’re aware of the irony in us using a written medium to convey this message. Fuck you.
- The Lunar Calendar
Oh come on, we converted to Gregorian like 200 years ago, so we don’t even use this shit today. Why are we even having this conversation? The Rumble Pak gave us up to 60 hours of gaming bliss at a time on just two AAA batteries. Did the ancient Sumerians use any form of batteries? Honestly, we don’t feel like looking it up at this point, so the Rumble Pak wins this last round by default.
