LONG BEACH, Calif. — The school police officer who waited over an hour to respond to multiple calls of an active school shooter is reported to relentlessly pursue skateboarders from wallriding all five bells spread across the high school campus.
“The department spent a lot of money on this golf cart, and I’m sure they don’t want me getting it all shot up,” said Officer Richard “Dick” Black, 43, the school’s assigned resource officer. “No, they want me to chase down these skateboarding hooligans who are menacing our community. It’s not just the bells they’re screwing with, either. Any classroom that has a poster of the alphabet on the wall soon finds that they’re missing the same five letters: A, E, K, S, and T. There must be some kind of connection between those letters, but, hey, I’m not a detective. No, I’ve got one job, and it has nothing to do with ensuring kids make it out of school alive. My job is to hassle people who can’t fight back.”
Students who survived the shooting were shocked at the officer’s behavior.
“There I was, laying down with day-old taquera sauce spread on my scalp to look like blood, pretending to be dead,” recounted skateboarder and school shooting survivor Camden Gibbs, 16. “I thought the same cop who chased me with his nightstick for wallriding a bell would pursue the gunman with the same vigor. I was wrong. The full force of his power he wielded unto us skaters: golf carts, night vision goggles, that body armor suit with the weird neck for bomb disposal. But when it counted, he had no courage for an actual threat.”
Los Angeles County School Board superintendent Phillip Fuentes came out in full support of the school police officer.
“I salute all brave men and women in uniform who are doing their job protecting our expensive bell system, our first line of defense in a highly integrated safety network designed to warn students about active shooters,” said Fuentes, noting the recent installation of a fifth bell on top of the roof by the pool. “We’ve spent countless dollars maintaining and repairing the system over the last sixteen years, but we believe it has many productive years ahead if not destroyed by low-life skaters. After all, if the bells won’t protect our children, who will?”
At press time, local officers attempted to rehabilitate their reputation by violently assaulting skaters on Main Street, near O’Neil’s Bar and Grill.
