LOS ANGELES — Famed Hollywood writer, director, and producer Ryan Murphy has reportedly yelped in a startling fit of ecstasy after seeing the sheer attractiveness of Luigi Mangione, the alleged killer of UnitedHealth CEO Brian Thompson, sources close to him confirm.
“I was in the hallway while Ryan was sitting in his office at his desk, silently scrolling through his Instagram feed of hot chiseled men like any typical workday afternoon,” said Murphy’s executive assistant Liam Tran. “But then all of a sudden, I was shook by the loudest effing noise I’ve ever heard Ryan make. Even louder than when he heard that Aaron Hernandez had lovers on the down low. Then he slammed open the door and said, ‘Liam, call my agent. It’s a miracle! The guy who offed that one CEO…he’s…hot!’”
Murphy says he’s since spent hours scribbling notes into his moleskine while looking at every photo currently available of Mangione.
“The casting options are just so tantalizingly divine. Social media is abuzz!” said the “Monster” creator. “Yes, I see why people are saying Dave Franco should play him, given those luscious eyebrows. But Luigi’s got a bit of Finn Wittrock in him too. Oh, and maybe some Max Greenfield! I wish I could cast every one of my cadre of sexy white leads simultaneously for this role. Maybe I’ll have them all play Luigi at different points in his life. He’s 26, so I could cast each of my favorites for about a one year span.”
A deluge of streaming executives have already reached out to Murphy promising blockbuster deals for the true crime series, which Murphy is referring to with the codename “Deny, Defend, Depose, Delicious.”
“We all saw what he raked in for Netflix with that series about the Menéndez brothers, who were good looking, sure, but not nearly as studly as Luigi, in my professional opinion,” said a Hulu executive who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “And let’s not forget that Ryan somehow managed to turn Jeffery Dahmer, a literal freaking monster of a human being, into a beloved darling of true crime fanatics.”
“Now just imagine what he can do with this steamy Italian American shooter! Especially since so much of America is seemingly on his side already. We’re talking Tiger King meets Squid Game meets the goddamn Super Bowl level ratings!”
At press time, Murphy was deciding exactly how he was going to make the CEO into a convoluted metaphor for something everyone already understands.
