This past Sunday, the world witnessed voice actress Pamela Hayden’s final performance as Milhouse Van Houten. After thirty-five years of being the heart and soul of the beloved blue-haired dork, Hayden has decided to move on to other projects. While the show has retired characters permanently in the past, Hayden has stated her desire for the character to continue to appear on the series with a new actor. So who could possibly fill her shoes as Bart’s best friend and perennial loser, Milhouse? Read on to see who we would choose.
Chris Pratt
Just getting this one out of the way since it feels like the path our universe is taking.
Hank Azaria
Out of all the remaining cast, Hank’s the one who still has the juice. Plus, I would be shocked if there was a single character on the show that he couldn’t do. In fact, I’d be surprised to hear he hasn’t done a couple of quick Milhouse re-write lines in a pinch over the years.
Dave Bautista
He’s said he wants to expand his horizons as an actor. This would certainly be against type.
One of the “Kids” From “Stranger Things”
I don’t know, maybe the tall one? Or the new girl; she’d be good. Hopefully not the genocidal one.
AI
I’d rather they take a big swing here than slowly boil the frog by using AI for small parts. If they try it with Milhouse, people will be mad right away. That might slow the march of worthless AI slop as it inevitably takes over our culture and robs all human life of its meaning.
Patrick Mahomes
Sure, he can’t act at all, but he does have a cartoonish voice. Plus, once Nancy Cartwright decides to hang ‘em up, the show would immediately have an in with Travis Kelce. Hot take? The tight end would be a decent Bart.
A Parrot Who Has Seen the First Nine Seasons of “The Simpsons”
We’d get to hear all of our favorite lines, over and over, forever! If that’s going to be the future anyway, we may as well embrace it. Just make sure you make it stop watching after season nine.
Isaac Hayes
Okay, yeah, he’s been dead for a decade and a half. Still, this would be an incredible get for “The Simpsons.” It would really stick it to Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
Justin Roiland
Milhouse hopelessly pines after Lisa Simpson, which could provide a harmless outlet for Roiland’s problematic habit of flirting with minors.
Elon Musk
The dude really wants people to think he’s funny. Getting a role on the longest-running American sitcom might fill a void inside him and make him orders of magnitude less obnoxious. Yeah, I don’t want to lose Milhouse to Musk, but if it makes him shut up and stop destroying society for a little bit it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
