Another year, another video game advertisement show that sometimes gives out awards. I’m sure everybody in the industry has an opinion about this year’s nominees for Game of the Year at The Game Adverts Awards and you’ve probably already read most of them. I also assume most of them are relatively the same. So, I could give you a rehash of all the talking points about these games that you’ve already read but that would waste your time and mine.
Instead I decided that what you dear readers needed was to hear about these games from the perspective of someone who has never played video games a day in their life, is confused by a video game controller, doesn;t understand his layabout son who wastes his days writing silly articles and needs help pushing the Netflix button on his television remote. That’s right, I showed a short clip of each of these games to my very confused 60 year-old father and transcribed his analysis of each.
Astro Bot
Okay so this is one of those kiddie Nintendo games. I like the little robot. It reminds me of the girlfriend robot in that one movie, you know the one where they go to space to buy things or something. Maurey I think it was called. Anyway, this is just like that plumber game. Does the robot do anything else? Can he do a little dance that would be fun? You said this was gonna win an award? Is that the bar now? Copying that Luigi fella.
Balatro
Is this solitaire? Did they remake solitaire? That’s not how solitaire works. Are they really giving this an award? Wait, is it poker? No, that’s not how you play poker. Do you win real money by playing this? I don’t understand what I’m looking at, they got all the rules wrong and it’s hurting my eyes.
*Note: At time of publishing my Dad has been playing Balatro for 5 hours and won’t give me my Switch back
Black Myth: Wukong
Is this supposed to be Planet of the Apes? That’s not Cesar though. I like the monkey guy. He’s cool looking. Monkey people are always cool looking though so I guess they took the easy way. What even happens in this game, looks like he’s just walking around with a stick? So it’s a monkey game where you don’t even do any cool monkey things. They should have made a Planet of the Apes game instead. That would have won awards. Oh now he’s hitting a giant guy with a stick so that’s something but I still don’t understand why they didn’t just make Planet of the Apes, I mean come on. You know what when you’re done showing me this nonsense I’m gonna go watch it.
Elden Ring: Shadow of the Erdtree
The person playing this sucks. They keep dying. Was this you? This looks very depressing, everything so bleak. It reminds me of that show about the guys with the swords and it’s dark and they have sex with their cousins. Henry Cavill is in it. Something about witches. So why do people play this if everyone is bad at it? Aren’t gamers bad at enough things, hahahahaha. Anyway, can we hurry this along, the hockey game is on soon.
Final Fantasy VII Rebirth
What am I looking at? This looks the same as the last one you showed me just brighter. Why are their swords so big? That’s not practical at all. Is this Zelda? That guy looks like Zelda. Whoa! Who is that? Okay I like this game. That’s what I’m talking about. Is this why you never came out of your room in high school? Were you playing games like this? My goodness. This is clearly the best out of all the games you showed me. What’s the award? Whatever it is, this should win. You should have just showed me this, no need for the other lame games. Do you have to play as Zelda in this? Can you play as her? Can she wear different outfits? How does she fight monsters with those things?
Metaphor: Refantazio
Is this one of those hentai games? OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?
