SHREWSBURY, N.J. — A routine visit to the bank took a horrifying turn for local resident, Ryan Peterson, when he found himself in the cinematic crossfire of seminal New Jersey director Kevin Smith’s impromptu movie ranking marathon, patrons at the bank report.
“One minute, I’m zoning out, and the next, some dude in jorts is talking about how at least we’re not in ‘Dog Day Afternoon.’ I casually told him I’d never seen it and he just snaps, suddenly he’s ranting at me about cinema,” Peterson stated to authorities. “He just wouldn’t stop. It was barely 10:30 in the morning and I’m being assaulted with names like ‘A Man For All Seasons,’ ‘Do The Right Thing,’ and ‘The Last Temptation of Christ!’ Finally I lied to him and told him I’d seen ‘Jaws’ because I was afraid he’d hit me if I said I hadn’t.”
Smith, seemingly unaware of any social cues, couldn’t comprehend that Peterson, “isn’t really a movie guy.”
“Yeah, so I just need to deposit this—oh, did I ever mention how ‘Star Wars’ didn’t just redefine the science-fiction, but it was really George Lucas borrowing from the brilliance of Japanese filmmakers like Kurosawa?” Smith launched in, his voice adopting the gravitas of an underappreciated film professor. “I mean, people talk about ‘Star Wars’ being revolutionary, but without ‘The Hidden Fortress,’ there’s no galaxy far, far away. It’s all there—the framing, the narrative structure. Lucas basically lifted the soul of samurai cinema and dropped it into space. It’s genius, but, like, derivative genius, American genius… Anyway, where was I? Oh right, Wim Wenders’ ‘Paris, Texas…’”
Not everyone was baffled by the impromptu spoken word session, though. Smith’s fan base runs deep, and one diehard devotee was, apparently, very jealous of Peterson’s encounter.
“That guy has no idea how lucky he is. The dude basically got a solo show!,” said grinning superfan, Tony DeLuca, who had Peterson repeat the entire exchange back to him. “Kevin doesn’t just do this for anyone. I’ve paid for that honor. I’m dying to know what [Smith] thinks of ‘Joker: Folie à Deux,’ or even just the trailer for that new Bong Joon Ho flick that just came out.”
As of this afternoon, Smith had finally made his way to the teller, where she was treated to an oration explaining why he never directed a superhero movie. “I could’ve, man, I really could’ve, but, like, Batman? Too much baggage, Hollywood already screwed it up too much. Now Swamp Thing? That’s a character I could’ve done justice to, but he’s not bankable…”
