PHILADELPHIA – M. Night Shyamalan, known for directing movies with iconic twists like The Sixth Sense and his most recent Trap, announced in a statement released online that he’s actually been dead this entire time.
“It’s been a great honor entertaining you all over the years, but the time has come to reveal the truth,” Shyamalan inexplicably wrote from beyond the grave. “The director you all know and love has been dead for some time, killed by a fan of the series Avatar: The Last Airbender. Please don’t be sad, I’m in a better place now. A magical place, filled with love, joy and critics who actually understand PEAK CINEMA.”
Hollywood and fans across the globe reacted on social media, with posts ranging from general apathy to mild surprise.
“I guess it makes sense when you think about it,” user RizzBender69 commented under Shyamalan’s estate’s press release. “When I left the theater after watching ‘Old’ I remember thinking ‘Who directed this? A corpse?’ Little did I know…”
Sources close to Shyamalan report his family members and close friends are dumbfounded. They said they’ve seen and even spoken to the Razzie Award winning director recently.
“We literally just got lunch yesterday,” said Shymalan’s longtime friend, Grayson Beverly. “We spoke for hours. He was obsessing over his phone, frustrated by the ‘Trap’ reviews. I told him what I always tell him… ‘Abandon the whole twist thing, people love predictable endings! Let people guess right, for once. Give them a win!’ It’s the same conversation we’ve had after every movie for decades. How is this possible?”
While the people closest to Shymalan share in his friend’s confusion, a Letterboxd profile with the username “N. Day Nalamayhs” believe they have the answers. Not only can they pinpoint the day he died, they believe they can explain his movie output since.
“June 30th, 2010,” said Nalamayhs in his most recent review of Shyamalan’s ‘Trap’. “That’s the day after this GOD-tier director took your ripoff anime SLOP and turned it into a cinematic MASTERPIECE. That’s the day you assholes trashed PEAK CINEMA and lost the privilege of breathing the same air as a LIVING LEGEND! The GOAT made MOVIE MAGIC with that boring little bald kid you all can’t shut up about.”
“That’s why he can be BRAIN DEAD and STILL put out banger after banger,” Nalamayhs added. “While you need every bit of the two brain cells you still have left from years of sucking nitrous to have even a cursory understanding of what you’re watching you FOOLS!”
At press time, the Shyamalan family are planning a memorial service for next week. They said they hope for a quiet ceremony with little to no surprises.
