USA – Comforted Americans were reportedly reassured today that, contrary to their general instincts and everything they’ve experienced in life, there really is no other side to the story, especially when it comes to U.S. foreign policy and military actions.
The reassured feeling reportedly swept the nation almost instantly, providing citizens a sort of quiet comfort required to carry on about their lives. Sources confirm the feeling was only reinforced by President Biden pledging to either fund or be personally involved in any conflict he hears of.
“Look, folks,” Biden said to reporters gathered outside an ice cream parlor. “If there’s a war out there, we’re gonna be a part of it. And on the right side. And don’t worry about the details or the other side of the story. Hospitals? Aid workers? It’s all very straightforward: we’re the greatest country in the world.”
Critics say every American nodding their heads in unison and saying “sounds good” to being told they are the good guys 100% of the time may not be great. However, these critics were promptly reassured that their concerns are unfounded, as there really isn’t anything to worry about.
“Why complicate things with nuance and history?” said a top White House advisor, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “When it comes to which side we bomb or buy bombs for, it’s best not to get lost in the details. That’s our tradition. And let’s be honest, it’s been working out great for us so far.”
The revelation that as a nation we need not worry about the reason current or future bad guys exist was reportedly a big relief to many.
“Oh, thank god,” said Barbara Cunningham, a local high school history teacher. “I don’t have to bother asking for an updated version of our textbooks with all that ‘blowback’ and ‘multiple perspectives’ nonsense. It’s like I always tell the kids: if it’s not in The Good Guys and The Bad Guys: A Comprehensive Guide to U.S. Foreign Policy then it isn’t worth knowing.”
“I’m proud of the price we got on those bombs by the way,” Frank Gavins, a teacher’s assistant apparently including himself with a “we” when talking about the federal government’s sale of advanced weaponry, added. “They drop bombs on bad guys. I’m not a bad guy. Are you?”
At press time, many Americans took to social media to urge others to continue voting for the good guys, a group they say probably doesn’t include unarmed aid workers.
