So you’ve spent your entire life learning how to sing, dance, and project so effectively that it’s a nuisance to those around you. You’ve acquired a Ben Nye makeup kit, and have worn a wide variety of leotards, morph suits, and dance belts. You’ve even dabbled in a niche performance skill like stage combat or circus arts.
You love all of this about yourself, you really do. It makes you so damn interesting. But unfortunately, working in the theater doesn’t pay well. So you’re forced to wonder if there are any lucrative side gigs that use this niche skill set. What alternative career paths are there for those who can rock a silly outfit and over-commit to a bit?
I recently found myself in this predicament. Perhaps sensing this, the Rogues Gallery sent me a recruiting message on Linkedin. I feel as if I should at least consider it. As I contemplate all of my life choices that have led up to this, here’s a list of Batman villains ranked by how likely I think it is that they have roots in musical theater.
15. Scarecrow
Absolutely not, he’s way too scary. There is zero pizzazz here. I imagine he swore vengeance against the theater after an audition for The Wizard of Oz that went horribly, horribly wrong.
14. Poison Ivy
Theater isn’t a very eco-friendly artform, so I don’t imagine she’d approve. Maybe she’s seen Little Shop of Horrors? But I bet she was offended by the way that the murderous plant is villainized, and probably vowed to never support the theater again.
13. Mr. Freeze
I feel like grief has made him a bit too serious for musical theater. But I imagine at one point he likely walked out disappointed during intermission for The Iceman Cometh because he didn’t bother to read the synopsis before buying tickets.
12. Catwoman
I feel like Cats is the obvious answer here, but it still feels like a no. All true theater people have some sort of strong reaction to Cats, and I don’t think it’d phase her one bit. After all, meowing and prancing around sensually in a leotard would just be an ordinary Tuesday for her.
11. Man-Bat
I really feel like he could have a song in his heart. Sure, he’s an interesting typecast. But, Bat Boy: The Musical is a real thing. I feel like Man Bat’s involvement is really the most plausible reason for its existence.
10. Two-Face
I was torn on Two-Face because he has such range, I feel he could go either way. I guess that’s sort of the point of Two-Face. You know what else has two faces? The comedy and tragedy masks. Is that a coincidence? Probably.
9. Bane
I imagine that musical productions are sometimes used as a way to boost morale in prison, so yes. Maybe as a tough guy he originally struggled to accept his love for musical theater, much like a beefed-up, ‘roid rage Troy Bolton. But I think he’s ultimately come around and learned to embrace this more expressive side of himself.
8. Clay Face
Clay Face absolutely does theater, but I don’t think musical theater is quite his main style. He seems like he’s mostly a straight actor who takes himself very seriously. Maybe occasionally he’ll do a Shakesperian tragedy for fun, but that’s as far as he’d typically go.
7. Penguin
He’s an extremely wealthy crime boss, and theater is a very expensive artform. This man likely was an investor in Guys and Dolls on Broadway, and probably blackmailed the director with threats of violence to include him in “Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ the Boat.”
6. Polka-Dot Man
Absolutely, just look at him. I know a camp legend when I see one.
5. Crazy Quilt
There’s sort of the same thing going on as Polka-Dot Man, here. I’m thinking both he and Polka-Dot Man probably auditioned for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and they both were seen for the role of the coat. It probably was close, but I imagine Crazy Quilt won the role. He’s a bit more pigmented, and he has a very confident power stance.
4. Harley Quinn
Clearly, yes. A high school theater program is really the only place where an unhinged baddie like her would see a dweeb in greasepaint caterwauling “Send In the Clowns” and think “I can work with this.”
3. Joker
Clearly, yes. A high school theater program is really the only place where a dweeb in greasepaint would have the clout to pull an unhinged baddie like Harley Quinn. He probably came offstage after performing “Send In the Clowns” and thought “yeah, where ARE the clowns?”
Also, we all saw him dance on the staircase in Joker. This man has certainly been in a kickline before.
2. Riddler
If the jazz hands don’t give it away, this man is musical theater incarnate. It’s the unitard, the eyeliner, and the overcommitment to his own personal brand. He’s like if the entire cast of Pippin was one person. I don’t think there are many other Batman villains that have ever even tried to do quite this much.
1. Music Meister
So who was going to tell me that they literally made a musical theater themed Batman villain? Seriously, no one thought to mention it? After I already wrote out this whole thing? God I can’t wait to read the comments.
