PHILADELPHIA — In an attempt to catch Santa Claus in the act, a local child tiptoed down the stairs on Christmas Eve only to find the entrance to the living room replaced with an ominous fog gate, sources report.
“My first thought was, oh man, oh man, this is it,” said Hunter Sylas, a 12 year-old boy who claims he simply couldn’t resist waking up to see Santa. “But what’s with the fog? I hear chuckling and the jingling of bells on the other side, but I can’t really see Santa. The fog was a little scary, but mom always said to be brave and git gud, so I took a deep breath and traversed the white light!
“Santa looked a little different than I expected, if I’m being honest,” continued Sylas, who reportedly entered the fight wearing three year-old pajamas despite the Christmas sweater armor set his grandmother gave him boasting superior stats, without compromising his fast roll.
“For one thing, he didn’t wear any glasses, and his gloves were black instead of white. For another, he was clinging to the top of our Christmas tree with his limbs bent backward, sucking our rainbow-colored bulbs into his mouth like sausage links. He was seven feet tall and when he noticed me, he slithered down to the floor on all fours, swinging his wriggling present sack above his head like a flail and roaring so loud you could see coal burn in his dead eyes.
“That’s when his health bar appeared.”
Hunter’s 26 year-old brother, Noah Sylas, was reportedly also witness to the unprecedented scene.
“I knew something was wrong the second I heard the melancholic choir chanting coming from the living room,” said Noah, referring to Santa’s oppressive yet tragic boss theme “Carol of the Hells.”
“I run down the stairs and when I see that fog gate, my heart drops. Like, that’s my little brother in there. He’s growing up too fast. He’s going up against Nicholas, Saint of Cinder, totally under-leveled.
“It’s not right. The entire living room was blocked off, so Hunter couldn’t even rest at a Fireplace before going in. I just wish I could help, you know? Teach him when’s the best time to heal or how to strafe right to avoid Santa’s grab attack, like mom used to teach me… but I can only watch as Hunter whiffs a parry and gets thrown into the sack for a crazy amount of Jolly buildup.”
“I move to the top of the stairs so I can see better into the arena, and that’s when I spot it: mom’s summon sign by her stocking. Hunter and I lock eyes in that moment, and I give him a nod: It’s okay. Do it. He touches the sign, and suddenly mom’s phantom appears out of nowhere in full knitted armor sporting the tankiest bleed build I’ve ever seen, and the fight is on!”
The mother and son pair reportedly managed to whittle Santa’s health down to zero, at which point the mad old man collapsed before a strange red glow seemed to momentarily restore the Christmas legend to his senses— a flash of lucidity in the darkness.
“Aah, he says. You were at my side, all along. My guiding sleigh light. That’s when Rudolph bursts through the living room window and it becomes this tedious gank fight, you know: dodge the new sleigh attacks, avoid Rudolph’s AoE slams, and pick off any elves that spawn from the dropped sack,” said Hunter.
“With mom and me, that second phase was easy. Noah joined us as soon as the fog gate went away, and we all hugged and stomped on Santa’s glitchy ragdoll like we used to. It was a Christmas miracle. Praise the mum!”
At press time, the Sylas siblings were reportedly collaborating on a good ranged build which Hunter plans to use in future invasions by the Tooth Shade, Mistress of Mouths.
