THE OUTER RIM — An exhausted Tatooine weatherman has reportedly run out of ways to rephrase the same information, sources have confirmed.
“I don’t know, guys,” said Bob Cloudscanner, the exasperated meteorologist for WSND, which broadcasts to Mos Eisley and many smaller Tatooine outposts. “It’s gonna be hot again! Tomorrow too, same as yesterday! I’m sorry, do I really need to keep explaining this and showing doppler radar? Folks, if you’re making weekend plans, please try to remember we live in a harsh desert climate with two damn suns shining all day, everyday. Wear sunblock. It’s gonna be hot. Why do I have to wake up so early to do this?”
“That’s not even my real name!” he added, as producers off-camera were heard urging him to return to the script.
It was a familiar sight to those watching the broadcast.
“He had nearly the same exact meltdown last year,” said Lee Bobo, a local scrapper. “We all get in a funk sometimes, I understand that. I get tired of digging through sand looking for junk to trade for food rations, but do you see me crying about it? No, no you don’t. In fact, my doctor says my body lacks the moisture required to create tears. But nevertheless, you gotta be tough around here. You can’t keep freaking out about the weather every couple of weeks.”
Local farmers claimed that Cloudscanner was underestimating his importance to the community.
“I get that it’s a little boring, but this moisture farm is my livelihood,” said Chuck Lars, who inherited the old Lars farm after his brother Owen was slain. “I need to know if it’s gonna be 130 or 140 tomorrow, so I know what time to get the droids inside. I’m sorry Bob Cloudscanner doesn’t get to report on star destroyers and rebel crusades, but he’s doing important work! He just needs to stay optimistic. It’s like my mother used to say, ‘The suns will still come out tomorrow.’”
“Before she died of horrible skin cancer,” he added.
As of press time, Bob Cloudscanner had broken down sobbing when prompted by anchors about the 10-day forecast.
