BOISE, Idaho — A recent milestone birthday celebration came with it a grim realization for a local man now that he turned 100 years old, he will no longer be allowed to play many of his favorite board games that are labelled as being for players aged 8-99.
“I’ve loved board games all of my incredibly long life,” said Lewis Gordon, shortly after blowing out 100 candles on his birthday cake in front of gathered loved ones. “And part of that love includes a love for the rules. As such, I will take the Parker Brothers wishes into consideration and opt out of further games of Clue and Sorry! and everything else, as I am no longer in the window of appropriate players. Looks like it’s dominos for me, if that’s allowed. I haven’t checked yet.“
Many of Gordon’s immediate family members insisted that he was taking the common label more literally than it is intended.
“I think he’s being ridiculous, but that’s grandpa,” said Jacob Gordon. “He won’t let us do the ‘Free Parking’ shit in Monopoly, he’s just really a stickler for all of the rules. That explains why he cried so much when he unwrapped our present for him, a deluxe edition of Scrabble, his favorite game. God damn, we really rubbed his face in it, huh?”
Representatives from the board game industry insisted that the age classification was meant to be taken seriously, despite the claims of Gordon’s family.
“We applaud Mr. Gordon and his commitment to our rules,” said Tara Krause, a representative from Hasbro, which owns the Milton Bradley and Parker Brothers trademarks, among others. “We understand that abruptly cutting him off might be upsetting, but life is cold and cruel. There’s no telling what these games could do to easily influenced minds. These games are meant for adults with all of their capacities, and frankly he’s lucky we let him slide through his nineties.”
As of press time, Gordon had tied a ping pong ball to a paddle and retired to the attic, where he later refused a piece of cake.