WASHINGTON DC- The State Department declassified documents today showing they funded militants during the Dance Dance Revolution of 1998.
Independent journalist Jason Newcomb had discovered the scandal weeks ago, prompting outrage. “I’ve always been interested in the Dance Dance Revolution, but I thought that there was no way millions of people would depose such a popular president. Of course with a little digging, I found out that the Americans had given 18 million dance mats in ‘aid’ to the rebels. Of course, this was disguised as a humanitarian effort.” Newcomb sighed, adding “I suppose carpet bombing glow sticks and disco balls over population centers was humanitarian as well.”
The US government had quickly organized a press conference in response to the outrage. State Department spokesman Kerry Gallis remarked, “The democratically elected president, Professor Funk-Phasmic, had advocated communist ideals, a socialist agenda, and slamming beats. The US at the time was unwilling to let such rulers spread those ideas in the midst of the Cold War.” Upon being told the year of the coup d’etat, Gallis shrugged. “It was close enough.”
Survivors of the coup and the chaos that followed commiserated together. Movement Jones, former Secretary of Education, remarked, “General Good-Times Grooveman’s liberation force was ruthless. I used to love dancing. Everybody did, until we were forced to bust moves on the floor for sixteen hours a day. He rigged mats to explode if you stepped on the wrong arrow. A high score just wasn’t enough.” Jones did express relief that the Americans had finally expressed sorrow for their role in the tragedy. “This is the first step on a long walk to America confronting itself and its past.”
Gallis confirmed the American government was not apologizing and had no intention of stopping similar operations in the future.
