NEW YORK — Following years of fan outcry for a new model of their immensely popular Switch hardware, Nintendo has revealed a cheaper, sleeker, much worse version of their console, tentatively called the Switch Minus.
“We think you’ll agree the Switch Minus has absolutely none of the features players have been asking for,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. “It’s gonna be a little worse in every conceivable way. We’re bumping the resolution down to 480p, and we were able to lock most games in at 20fps. We think this, coupled with the confusing button layout and even more esoteric online gameplay than we usually offer, makes this a steal at just 200 bucks.”
“There are some issues, but please keep in mind that it can play every single game available on the Switch,” he added. “Technically.”
Nintendo fans were underwhelmed and aggravated at the announcement.
“Ok, so let me be clear here,” said Will Applegate, a Nintendo fan that was hoping they’d announce something, anything else. “With everything in the world that they could be doing, Nintendo is putting out something that’s out of step with their current competition instead of releasing an obvious home run like a Switch Pro or Metroid Prime 4? Okay, yeah, that sounds about right. Let me guess, they need me to pay for Super Mario Bros. 3 again too, right?”
In addition to weaker performance in every measurable metric, the Nintendo Switch Minus also boasts some innovative features never before seen or asked for in gaming.
“Wow, that sucker got hot in like 30 seconds,” said Kelly Carter, a local gamer testing a Switch Minus at a promotional rooftop party held by Nintendo. “And the back got sticky? I don’t know what the hell happened, but as it heated up it actually got harder to put down. Also, why are the buttons all in such weird places? This is a disaster and easily the fourth or fifth worst piece of hardware Nintendo’s ever released. God damn.”
As of press time, Nintendo confirmed the Switch Minus would solve the problems with Joy-Con drift that plagued previous models of the Switch by doing away with the analog sticks completely.
