CHICAGO — Marvel Rivals player Jerry Parker has been putting up insane numbers as a healer in an futile attempt to make up for his failure to heal his marriage, Parker’s friends have confirmed.
“Whenever we play, no one on our team ever dies because he’s just always healing, it’s incredible,” George Kaminsky, one of Parker’s friends and teammates posted to social media. “I’ve never seen anyone doing healing numbers like this in any game ever. It all started the day after his divorce papers were finalized. He did everything he could to stop Kim from leaving but if this is the end result, I’m okay with it. We’re gonna dominate comp this season.”
Frank Harris, another of Parker’s friends, confirmed that he took over Parker’s previous role as a DPS main since Parker switched to healer in the wake of his divorce.
“I used to be healer. I was a Mantis main. Jerry was a Moon Knight main and we did really well. He was really good at DPS because he said it helped him take out his frustration. Kim and him got pretty rocky there by the end and despite his best efforts, she left him for some french guy. We all figured we’d play a bit to cheer him up after he finally signed the papers and he just asked us if he could try healer. It was the most incredible thing I’d ever seen. First game as Cloak & Dagger and he was putting up insane healing. I wish he’d have gotten divorced sooner.”
Marvel Rivals Community Manager James Ng has revealed that Parker has put up the highest healing numbers of any player in the world.
“We’ve gone over the data and it appears that Mr. Parker is indeed the top healer in the world. His healing numbers are actually higher than all the other top 5 healers combined. We didn’t even think it was possible to heal this well but it seems that his mind, spirit and heart are so broken over the dissolution of his marriage that he has nothing left except to heal other players just to feel something. It’s kind of beautiful in a way.”
At press time, Parker’s friends have revealed that he intends to see a therapist and try to restart his love life but they plan on preventing him until they reach One Above All rank.
