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If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Why We’re Releasing NFTs of the Apes’ Bottom Halves

Whether you’re the lowliest Wall Street stock broker or the highest Hollywood coke fiend, everyone’s heard of NFTs, the latest entrant into the exciting world of online money laundering. NFTs are shiny distractions with no practical value or application, making them the perfect currency for social media, the exciting prison of shame we’ve created as a distraction from the problems killing everybody. And that’s why it’s time for us to get on board.

The hottest NFTs on the planet are, of course, Bored Apes: portraits of cartoon chimps featuring various accessories. These MS Paint drawings may not look like they’re worth much, but they can actually be worth millions of dollars if you can trick a really dumb person of that. The one oversight of these NFTs, aside from somehow being more intellectually shallow than your average Banksy, is that the apes are only depicted from chest to skull, leaving out the sweet meaty bits that dangle below. 

That’s where we come in.

We here at Hard Drive have made it our mission to rectify this problem. That’s why we are proud to introduce Bored Ape Bottoms, NFTs that depict the lower bodies of existing Ape NFTs, thereby giving discerning and hopefully compulsive consumers the opportunity to secure these limited edition JPEGs of Ape genitalia.

Since Bored Apes were introduced, many have wondered what was going on “down there.” Did the apes have even more exciting accessories attached to their genitals? Were the apes pissing on a Ford logo ala bootleg Calvin & Hobbes stickers?  Were the apes interlocking toenails with each other in a Hands Across America-style sign of unity? 

We explored each of these concepts thoroughly (and I mean thoroughly) until deciding on a mere 420,069 (maybe a little obvious of a joke, but let’s be real, we know our audience here) designs that capture the creativity and thoughtfulness inherent in the original Bored Ape NFTs. These Hard Drive Bored Ape Bottoms will be available for purchase starting today, with each individual red ape rump priced affordably at $45k or higher, depending on size, girth, and color pallette of the wieners, and how stupid you are.

If you’d like to be part of the next evolution of ape-based artwork, send all the money you have to us now. Please, no crypto though. Even with our embracing of NFTs, we still know that shit’s never going to fly. NFTs are legit though. Save your money for our NFTs, and we might even give you a special shout-out on Twitter if we feel like it or remember. Exposure is about as valuable as any NFT, right? 

In fact, fuck it: we’re gonna make this easy for you right now. If you even want to just see the uncensored version of this very ape drawing, you can sign up for Coil and click the image below.