WASHINGTON — Top government sources have revealed that the Facebook advertisement for a game called Douse The Goblin! is actually a military recruiting device to find Earth’s most skilled tacticians for a secret mission to defeat the space goblins who threaten our way of living.
“Considering the stakes at hand, it’s certainly a bummer that so few people have clicked the ad,” said United States Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “We’re basically searching through a pool of about twenty people to figure out who the Earth’s most skilled tacticians are. This one guy on our team kept insisting we use Fortnite as our tool, but I don’t know, there’s no goblins in that. It just seemed like not a perfect one-to-one. I think I definitely learned my lesson there.”
According to the few who have played the game, it was pretty evident early on what was going on with the recruiting tactic.
“Yeah I doused the goblin in Douse The Goblin! for like three levels and then I got a call from some top secret government fella,” said Facebook user Martin Stowe, 63. “I guess they didn’t have many options because I don’t think I even beat the game. Next thing I knew I was in a spaceship flying up to Mission Control to command a series of space buckets that doused real life space goblins. It was just like the game, except it was real.”
As of press time, not enough goblins were doused and the goblins took over the Earth, enslaving all of humanity and setting forth the beginning of our planet’s dark ages.
Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour: