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BREAKING: You’re Muted

ZOOM — A flurry of reports came in today that you are trying to speak after being called on in your morning team stand-up meeting, despite the fact that you are currently on mute. 

“It became very clear after only a few seconds after I asked you to tell us your KPIs from yesterday that you had no idea that you were muted,” said your boss, Alan. “I thought about saying something, but luckily, literally everyone else in the meeting let you know that we couldn’t hear you. I actually got a little secondhand embarrassment.” 

Several of your coworkers discussed the incident afterward in a Slack DM that you weren’t a part of. 

“I couldn’t believe they had no idea that they hadn’t unmuted themselves,” said Isabelle from the Content team. “I would understand making that sort of mistake a month into the pandemic, but we’ve been remote for over two years now! I always know when I’m muted and when I’m unmuted, that’s a fact. I swear to god if we have to go back to the office because of this I am going to lose my fucking mind.”

Maintaining communication and spontaneity in a virtual environment has been a challenge in today’s labor market, especially for dum-dums like yourself who don’t know where the unmute button is. 

“The Zoom platform allows teams to collaborate and improve workflows, no matter where they’re based in the world,” said Zoom Public Relations Director Jourdan Rosenfeld. “Our easy-to-use video conferencing software is so intuitive, you’ll never have a moment where you attempt to speak without unmuting yourself. That is if you’re not a complete idiot. Then there’s no helping you.”

At press time, you cut out there for a second, could you repeat that?