CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Local sophist and gamer Justin Pulzer recently stepped across the stage at Harvard University to receive his Honorary degree in Philosophy following his achievement of getting 100% in The Talos Principle.
“The honest philosopher seeks only the truth, even if it bears no comfort. I have learned that it may be true that machines can be sentient and stuff — if we just took a moment to understand what sentience really is. Or whatever,” he said, in a speech. “I would also like to mention my mother, who believed that I needed to go to a university to receive such a degree. However, if I had gone to university I would not have learned to think about conundrums such as ‘if machines could breed and stuff wouldn’t that just make them the same as us cause we can do that too.’ Suck my dick, Socrates. More like Immanuel Can’t. Sorry, that doesn’t really work when you say it outloud.”
President of Harvard University, Lawrence Bacow, introduced Pulzer at the graduation.
“Mr. Pulzer is one the brightest young men we’ve ever encountered! We would love to have him attend our university, although obviously, he doesn’t need to now that he completed 100% of The Talos Principle,” Bacow explained. “Some of the ideas that he has presented to our professors — such as the one about how robots could have feelings — really blew our minds. We think he has a bright future ahead of him and we’re honored to have accepted him into our ranks. We expect him to make some incredible strides for the field once he gets his hands on the Road to Gehenna DLC.”
At press time, Pulzer received a second honorary degree from Yale University immediately upon finishing the 2014 film Ex Machina.
Hey guess what: this article is sponsored by Devolver Digital! If you wanna be smarter than all those Harvard grads, you should check out The Talos Principle. Apparently right after you 100% the game, they ask if you wanna be a writer at The Simpsons.